The means to a very particular end

This crazy crazy year is finally coming to an end.

31st of December Ladies and gentlemen. 

The number of things that I discovered about myself this year are crazy. I learnt how to do so many things I couldn’t before. I learnt to stand up for myself before I do so for anyone else. I saw how being true and strong for myself can help me grow much better than anything else can. I appreciated the beauty of honesty this year. I saw what distance can do to people, both in a good way and in a bad way. I learnt how to let go of people and how to hold on to them, most of all, I learnt how to be independent. I realized that it is okay to suck at things, but it is not okay to be happy with the same. Being troubled is never the answer it is just the means to it.

I found the importance of words too. I saw how important they can be, and how much they can mean. They can say so much and hide so much. I found beauty, so much of it. In friendships, and books, and food, and music, and silences and conversations. Beauty in its most vulnerable form. Or maybe that’s what I thought, maybe I don’t know what beauty is, maybe I am still deceived by the lies of the world and find myself believing it when there is nothing to believe,. But like I say, I am okay with that. I’m not troubled by the fact that I am happy so often or that I find books and music to be my only place of solace at all, not anymore. In fact now I embrace this, I embrace the fact that I love Jean-Baptiste Grenouille’s life more than that of someone real and famous.

I learnt that I should never hold myself back. From anything or anyone. These moments and opportunities don’t come back, and when I have them I should really really go for them. I witnessed people reaching heights this year. I witnessed fights an battles, some of them my own, some I won and some I lost, but every time I was there I saw myself more clearly and I wasn’t disappointed or relieved coming dace to face with the reality of certain things because I did not know what to expect. 

How I handled myself after being faced with the thoughts, feelings and words of people that mattered to me the most were the moments I truly saw life, I saw that when at your worst, you aren’t ever alone. You are never alone because you have so much to cherish and love and nurture. Feeling that you are alone at any point of your life would be an insult to everything and everyone you have ever loved. When I was at my worst, all I had to do was prevent myself from falling into the societal conventions of being beaten and fight back, and not alone, but with the people I trusted and loved, they never knew they were helping me but they did, and they only could because I let them.

Letting go is hard. It’s really hard, but it is equally necessary. Every time I let go of someone or something, I lied to myself. I lied to myself by telling myself that it is for their own good, when it was actually for my own growth. I am facing the truth now. I am accepting it now. It is okay to do something for yourself; If at the end of today, I look at myself with a huge smile and content, then screw it! Anything that I did to get here is worth it. I let go of a lot of people this year, along with that I also held on to a lot of them. I knew that it would be impossible for me to get through anything if it were not for certain people.

While I write this, I realize that we are selfish beings. I am not sure how I feel about that but I just know that we are. Very selfish. Even now I talk about letting go of others so that I can grow and holding on to others so that my life is easier. That is a very unnerving truth however it may be, it is the truth.
This year I also saw myself being graced with privileges I don’t deserve. I’m not being ungrateful, I just don’t understand why me? Why do I get for free what others would kill to have? Something I’m not ready for and good enough for. Something I can’t deny. These privileges are not mine to have, and they make me feel troubled. More than I like to be. I appreciate what I have, but to a level. There is a point where I realize I need to get I deserve. l learnt this year that if I am being provided with something I clearly do not deserve I will revolt. Being nice is good but being naïve is the ugliest thing in the world.

2019 will be a year of books for me. I will complete a reading challenge and then put up book reviews for every book I have read. There are 50 in total. I will put up random posts too, when I feel like it but the reviews will reflect how I am growing with every book I complete.

All right, 2018. Here’s to you. You taught me fighting to its very core. And for that I will forever be grateful.

Love,

Maahi