May you sleep so well

It’s been three years since I’ve written an end-of-year blog. I vaguely remember why I didn’t write it in 2022. It felt like way too much had happened and I wasn’t ready to go into all of it, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled about the year, I wasn’t happy, but mostly I just didn’t feel the need to reminisce about what had happened. Frankly, I don’t even remember what happened the year after that or the year after that. I’m not the best at remembering events based on when they happened, I’m not very good at remembering at all– Which is funny because, for the longest time, my most immediate fear was that I would forget. I was afraid that I would forget everything I was feeling, seeing, and experiencing. Somewhere along the way, I made peace with this forgetfulness. It started feeling like a filtering mechanism. Maybe what I forgot wasn’t going to do any good in being remembered, at least that’s what I told myself. 

I started writing these blogs as a way to remember, and remember only the best of everything because I revel in the worst of it anyways, so if I am documenting it then I would like to have the best parts of the year engraved. And it might seem like that only tells one part of the story, and I agree, it does. Some might argue that the best is the most important part of the story, but I don’t think I would want to discount the horrible parts of the year. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they made me who I am either, that would be giving them too much credit. But I wouldn’t discount it simply because I was so alive in all the moments that I was sad. Having gone through long stretches of feeling nothing and being nothing, it’s quite gratifying to feel anything, and sobbing, screaming, and laughing with tears in my eyes made me feel a lot. 

I remember being in school and scratching out the last year and putting up the new year in its place. This was muscle memory, I wasn’t used to the feeling of writing the new year at the corner of the page just yet. 2024 wasn’t like that. This year began with a feeling of familiarity. I have been a part of the ‘Batch of 2024’ since 2020. Strangely, this felt like a year that we were supposed to take on head first. And with the help of my sisters, confidantes, lovers, and endless hugs- it happened. I sat in phenomenal classrooms with artists, and professors, and classmates with endless questions and mindblowing ideas. Some mornings were infuriating because the literature escaped me and I felt behind. Some afternoons were painful because I knew I could have done better, I knew in my heart I could have done better and I did not. And the realization of having made that choice broke my heart. But the same afternoon was followed by a phone call to an old friend who told me that shit happens, and I need to suck it up. So suck it up I did, and moved on. Turns out, it gets better. But it also gets worse. 

I fell in and out and back in love again. And then out again. For a while it made me feel frivolous because isn’t this supposed to be the real deal? Falling in love. But I somehow made peace with it. Here’s how I see it. However many times or people I found myself being in love with, it was never half-assed, I truly did love them all. And I think that amounts to something. So I am going to continue being insane. It keeps life interesting. 

There were at least 5 moments this year when I felt like a mad scientist in the climax of a science fiction figuring out how to save the world. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by passionate and intelligent people who are so very driven about their work and their dreams that in every moment I spent with them, i wanted to be a better and best version of myself. I found a lot of new music, and I shared a lot of it too. The very complex uglies of the world became a little more visible this year, I saw more and more politics in everything around me and I equipped myself to deal with it better. And become a productive actor toward what I believed in and stand against that which I didn’t agree with. 

I found myself in living rooms filled with music, food, and people from all around the world sharing stories of their childhood. And I felt like a giraffe. Felt very brown and yellow with a big nose and bigger eyes and a big tongue sticking out all the time. This was a large year. It was fascinating. Met the craziest and smartest and saddest and smiliest people. Ate so much. Am going to eat some more. All in all, this was a year of one goose pimple after another. 

And I am going to write more often. I’m not afraid
anymore. I’ve made peace with letting go and not knowing. I’d like to remember everything that is the best about my day. Oh also, I cried with snot the morning I saw snow for the first time– I was late for an exam. I’m late to most things, but always on a soundtrack ;) I’ve been trying to decide what the song for this year should be, but I am yet to build on my brevity, so here’s a playlist instead. 2024- you’ve been a bear hug.

The playlist- Bonne Nuit